16  Winning an Unsaved Spouse  (1 Peter 3:1–7)

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear. You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. (3:1–7)

If believers are to maintain an exemplary testimony in this unbelieving world, they must live blamelessly in the four major arenas of God-ordained social interaction that Peter addresses: the society (2:13–17), the workplace (2:18–25), the family (3:1–7), and the church (3:8–9). In relation to the three secular dimensions of life, the apostle commands believers to be witnesses for the positive sake of the gospel (2:9) as well as negatively, to silence the critics of the faith (2:12–15).

This opening section of chapter 3 deals with the third and smallest unit of social structure ordained by God, the family. In the other two categories, submission is required to the civil authority (2:13–14) and to employers (2:18). The issue of submission is also critical in the family, beginning with the wife to her husband. Peter here directs six verses to wives’ submission to husbands and one to husbands’ serving the needs of wives, a division that may at first glance seem out of balance. But in Peter’s day when a wife became a Christian, the potential for difficulty was much greater than it was if the husband first became a believer. In that society when women, who were viewed as inferior to men, became Christians without their husbands also becoming saved, the likelihood of his being embarrassed and shamed by what was viewed as an act of defiance by his wife, was predictable, as was the conflict subsequently generated.

THE WIFE’S RESPONSIBILITY

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear. (3:1–6)

In first-century Greco-Roman culture, women received little or no respect. As long as they lived in their father’s house, they were subject to the Roman law of patria potestas (“the father’s power”), which granted fathers ultimate life-and-death authority over their children. Husbands had a similar kind of legal authority over their wives. Society regarded women as mere servants who were to stay at home and obey their husbands. If a woman decided to obey the gospel, that decision to change religions on her own could result in severe abuse from her unsaved husband. When such conversion did occur, a wife needed to know how to respond to her husband so that she might win him to the gospel. Her essential duty was to be submissive, as in the case of civil and workplace relations.

First, the believing wife has the responsibility to stay with her unbelieving husband. If he wants to maintain the union, she must not divorce him: “A woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away” (1 Cor. 7:13; cf. v. 39; Rom. 7:2–3). Paul went on to say that unsaved spouses benefit from the divine blessings their saved spouses receive from God: “For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband” (1 Cor. 7:14). However, if an unbelieving husband does not want to stay with his believing wife, she does not need to compel him to remain because such an attempt may produce nothing but turmoil, and believers are called to peace: “Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace” (v. 15). When the bond is broken under such conditions, the believer is free to remarry in the Lord, as in the case of death (v. 39).

That Christian women are spiritually equal to men in Christ is clear from Galatians 3:27–28, “For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Still, God has ordained women to have certain obligations to their husbands, which Peter identifies as submission and faithfulness, and modesty.

SHE IS TO BE SUBMISSIVE AND FAITHFUL

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. (3:1–2)

The expression in the same way refers back to the two previously mentioned examples of submission: citizens to civil authorities (2:13) and servants to masters (2:18). The same verb (hupotassō), rendered be submissive and considered in connection with those two references, appears also here and is a present middle form, emphasizing reflexive action (“submitting yourself”). The New Testament usage of this word, meaning “to submit, ” “be subject to, ” or “rank under, ” is common (cf. 2:18; 3:5; 5:5; Luke 2:51; 10:17, 20; Rom. 8:7; 10:3; 13:1, 5; 1 Cor. 14:32, 34; 15:27; 16:16; Eph. 1:22; 5:21, 24; Phil. 3:21; Titus 2:9; 3:1; Heb. 2:5, 8; 12:9; James 4:7). The apostle Paul, under the Spirit’s inspiration, also taught that wives are to submit to their husbands’ leadership (Eph. 5:22–23; Col. 3:18; Titus 2:4–5). Submission does not imply any moral, intellectual, or spiritual inferiority in the family, workplace, or society in general. But it is God’s design for roles necessary to mankind’s well-being. Along the same lines, a commanding officer is not necessarily superior in character to the troops under him, but his authority is vital to the proper functioning of the unit. That Peter referred specifically to their own husbands (appropriate emphasis added) indicates the intimacy of marriage and points out that he was not commanding women to be servile to all men in every context. Paul also sets forth God’s design for authority and submission in men’s and women’s roles within the church (1 Cor. 11:3, 8–9; 1 Tim. 2:11–14; cf. 1 Cor. 14:34).

Disobedient to the word describes the unbelieving husband’s condition as a rejecter of the gospel (cf. 2 Thess. 1:8–9; Heb. 4:2). Amazingly, in spite of the profound enmity of his soul toward the Lord, if his Christian wife will continue to submit to him, she might be the instrument God uses to win him to Christ without a word. That expression does not refer to the Word of God but to the wife’s spoken words. Earlier in the letter, Peter made it clear that Scripture is essential for anyone’s salvation: “For you have been born again not of seed which is perishable but imperishable, that is, through the living and enduring word of God” (1:23; cf. Rom. 10:17). Peter’s point here is that the wife’s godly behavior is the most valuable testimony to open the husband’s heart to the gospel. He will need to hear the words of salvation, perhaps from her. But it will be as he is able to observe her submission as a faithful wife that she truly commends the gospel to him. How a believer lives in that most intimate relationship helps make the grace of Christ believable (cf. Matt. 5:16).

A lovely, gracious, and submissive attitude is the most effective evangelistic tool believing wives have (cf. Prov. 31:26; Matt. 5:16; Phil. 2:15; Titus 2:3–5). Closely related to that is their responsibility to be chaste and respectful, demonstrating their sanctification through Christ by a life composed of irreproachable and pure conduct toward God and her husband. The word respectful is phobos (“fear”), used in 2:17 to define the required attitude of those who give honor to God Himself (cf. Prov. 24:21). This is precisely what is commanded of the wife in Ephesians 5:22, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” That means she shows honor and respect to her husband as to the Lord. This will be further developed and illustrated in the discussion of verse 6, under the next heading.

SHE IS TO BE MODEST

Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear. (3:3–6)

This text does not prohibit wives from styling their hair, wearing jewelry or lovely clothing, which is why the translators added merely. The bride in Song of Solomon was beautifully adorned, e.g., Song of Solomon 1:10; 4:11; 7:1. The point is that this was not to be the preoccupation or main concern in the matter of drawing an unsaved husband to Christ. In the Greco-Roman culture, women were devoted to superficial adornment, often wearing the best cosmetics, dying their hair outlandish colors, braiding it elaborately, and wearing—especially on their heads—costly jewelry to crown their elegant clothing. But braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses made no contribution to spiritual transformation. Such surface concerns still consume women in the present media dominated culture. Christian women, however, especially those whose husbands are not saved, are still under this mandate.

Long before Peter’s time God, through Isaiah the prophet, pronounced judgment on women’s obsessive, ostentatious attention to outward adornment:

Instead of being consumed with their external appearance, Christian wives must be devoted to beautifying the hidden person of the heart. (Person is the translation of anthrōpos, “man, ” demonstrating the biblical use of the masculine gender to describe even a woman.) They should manifest the inner beauty of spiritual virtue. Paul commanded believing women “to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments, but rather by means of good works, as is proper for women making a claim to godliness” (1 Tim. 2:9–10; for commentary on these verses, see John MacArthur, 7 Timothy, MacArthur New Testament Commentary [Chicago: Moody, 1995], 78–82).

In particular, a believing wife should be characterized not by passing earthly fashions, here today and gone tomorrow, but by literally the imperishable (quality is implied), translated “incorruptible” in 1:4, KJV where it describes the believer’s eternal inheritance in heaven. Christian wives should be devoted, not to temporal beauty, but the lovely adornments of godliness. Gentle comes from a word referring to a humble and meek attitude, expressed in patient submissiveness; quiet is “still” or “tranquil.” Such character in the spirit of a believing wife is the true inner beauty that is precious in the sight of God and effective in making her not only valuable and attractive to her husband, but demonstrating the beauty and value of regeneration.

It is certainly possible for a woman’s appearance to be so unkempt and unadorned as to embarrass and discourage her husband, to whom such indifference in the name of Christ would make the gospel offensive and be just as spiritually detrimental as too much attention given to externals. The Lord is most pleased when a believing woman’s modest yet thoughtful and lovely adornment reflects the inner beauty Christ has fashioned in her.

In former times (Old Testament days) many believing women (holy women) exemplified these principles of submissive and modest godliness (cf. Ruth 3:11; Prov. 31:10–31). Peter says they used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands. Thus his call for such behavior is not unprecedented, and he specifically cites Sarah as an illustration, noting that she obeyed Abraham, going so far as calling him lord (master). Calling him (kalousa) is a present participle, which indicates Sarah’s continual attitude of respect toward her husband Abraham—she treated him as her lord or master.

When Paul wrote that by faith all saints are children of Abraham, he was saying that all who believe have followed the same path Abraham took. He is the Old Testament model for believing God’s Word, and all after him who do the same belong to the same family of faith (Rom. 4:1–16; Gal. 3:7–29). Similarly, all believing wives who follow Sarah’s example of submission and modesty have in that sense become her children. Wives who follow Sarah’s pattern have made the commitment to do what is right or good, even though they might nevertheless have some serious fears as to where such submission under an unsaved husband could lead. The Greek word for fear is ptoēsis, a strong word meaning “frightening, ” or “terrifying.” Instead of succumbing to such terrors (cf. Ps. 27:1; Prov. 1:33; 29:25; 2 Tim. 1:7; 1 John 4:18), those who are faithful to submit because it is good and right can be used by the Lord in the salvation of their husbands.

THE HUSBAND’S RESPONSIBILITY

You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. (3:7)

In the same way refers again to the duty of submission (2:13, 18; 3:1). This time it is the believing husband who submits to serve his wife. Husbands obey that duty by adhering to three basic responsibilities in caring for their wives’ needs: consideration, chivalry, and companionship.

CONSIDERATION

live with your wives in an understanding way, (3:7a)

First, husbands are to live with their wives in an understanding way, which means they must be considerate. Understanding speaks of being sensitive and considering the wife’s deepest physical and emotional needs. The word translated live (sunoikountes) means “dwelling together” and refers to living with someone in intimacy and cherishing them. Believing husbands must constantly nourish and cherish their wives in the bond of intimacy:

CHIVALRY

as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; (3:7b)

A believing husband should also be chivalrous to his wife, realizing she is someone weaker, since she is a woman. Just as submission does not imply inherent inferiority for the ones who submit (see the discussion of verse 1 of this passage), so the word weaker does not mean the wife is intrinsically weaker in character or intellect than her husband. The word (rendered “weaker vessel” by the King James and New King James translators) also does not mean that women are spiritually inferior to men (cf. Gal. 3:28). It just means that women generally possess less physical strength than men. With that in mind, Christian husbands are the sacrificial providers and protectors of their wives (cf. 1 Sam. 1:4–5; Eph. 5:23, 25–26; Col. 3:19; 1 Tim. 5:8), whether or not the wives are believers.

COMPANIONSHIP

and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. (3:7c)

Third, the husband is to be a companion for his wife as a fellow heir sharing in the grace of life, which refers not to eternal life, but to the true and intimate friendship that belongs only to those who are possessors of God’s most blessed gift in this life—marriage. Peter labels marriage the grace of life because grace (charis) means “unmerited, undeserved favor” (cf. Rom. 1:5; 3:24; 5:15, 17; 12:3; 15:15; 2 Cor. 8:1; 9:8; Gal. 2:9; Eph. 2:7; 3:2, 7; 4:7; 4:29; 2 Tim. 1:9; Heb. 4:16; James 4:6). Marriage is a divine providence given to man regardless of his attitude toward the Giver. Intimate companionship in marriage, the richest blessing of this life, was a foreign concept to the Greco-Roman culture of Peter’s day. Husbands were generally uninterested in friendship with their wives, expecting them to merely maintain the household and bear children. In contrast, the Christian husband is to cultivate all the richness God designed into the grace of marriage by showing honor to his wife in loving consideration, chivalry, and companionship. So that his prayers will not be hindered is the reward God promises to the loving, caring husband (cf. Ps. 66:18; Isa. 59:2; John 9:31; James 4:3). The prayers in view may be specifically for the salvation of an unbelieving wife, but nothing in the text limits it to that. The warning is clearly given that if a husband in Christ is not fulfilling his responsibilities toward his wife, God may not answer his prayers. No more serious divine threat could be given to a believer than that—the interruption of all the promises of prayers heard and answered (cf. John 14:13–14). That is severe, cutting off the divine blessing, which shows how critical is Christian husbands’ loving care of their partners in this grace of life.

The key to having a positive witness to an unsaved spouse is living an exemplary Christian life as a faithful, submissive spouse. That obedience pleases God and provides the testimony that honors Jesus Christ before the unsaved partner.