The New Man  Makes a New Home (3:18-4:1)

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Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered against them. Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart. Slaves, in all things obey those who are your masters on earth, not with external service, as those who merely please men, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men; knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve. For he who does wrong will receive the consequences of the wrong which he has done, and that without partiality. Masters, grant to your slaves justice and fairness, knowing that you too have a Master in heaven. (3:18-4:1)

The major social problem facing human society is the inability of people to get along with each other. From sibling rivalry among children, to the break up of marriages, to crimes and battles, all the way to international confrontations between major powers, the problem is the same. Why it exists could be summed up in three words: amorality, anonymity,and alienation. Amorality means that man apart from God has no absolute moral or ethical standards to regulate his behavior. Man also struggles with anonymity. He does not know who he is or why he is here. Hence, his life has no meaning as far as he can see. Finally, people are alienated. As Francis Schaeffer points out in his book, True Spirituality (Wheaton, III.: Tyndale, 1973), the Fall alienated man not only from God, but also from himself and from other people.

All three problems are due to man’s separation from God. People are characterized by amorality or immorality because apart from God there can be no absolute moral standards. They are then doomed to moral relativism and situational ethics.

Apart from God, man also faces anonymity, or emptiness. Trapped in an impersonal universe, he seems nothing more than a “chance configuration of atoms in the slip stream of meaningless chance history” (Francis A. Schaeffer, Death in the City [Downers Grove, III.: InterVarsity, 1972], p. 19).

Finally, man without God faces a terrible sense of alienation or loneliness. With no one home in the universe to give meaning to his aspirations, he feels isolated and alone.

A man without moral standards, facing emptiness and loneliness, will see others as threats to his pursuit of happiness. His negativism and despair will often cause him to retreat further into selfishness and alienation. That will create conflicts with others. James writes, “What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. And you are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel” (James 4:1-2).

When a person becomes a Christian, those three problems cease to exist. The Word of God contains an absolute moral standard that is rooted in the nature of God. No longer anonymous, the believer is a child of God and fellow heir with Jesus (Rom. 8:17). Nor do believers suffer from alienation or loneliness, since they are now beloved children of the heavenly Father and part of the family of believers.

Christianity is not just personal; it is relational. The life of the new man is a life lived among other new men. The new man is to have an impact also on the society in which he lives. That responsibility becomes Paul’s theme in 3:18-4:1, where he discusses the new man’s relationships to other people.

The teaching that Christians are to have relationships that affect society is not unique to Colossians. Jesus says in Matthew 5:13-14, “You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt has become tasteless, how will it be made salty again? It is good for nothing anymore, except to be thrown out and trampled under foot by men. You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden.” Paul urged the Philippians, saying, “Prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world” (Phil. 2:15). Peter counseled his readers: “Keep your behavior excellent among the Gentiles, so that in the thing in which they slander you as evildoers, they may on account of your good deeds, as they observe them, glorify God in the day of visitation” (1 Pet. 2:12; cf. Matt. 25:31-46; James 2:15-16). Christianity therefore is not the religion of monks and hermits. Believers are not called to withdraw from society, but to influence it for Christ—particularly through their relationsips.

Throughout history, Christianity has had a positive influence on society. J. C. Wenger wrote of the early church,

In more recent times, much of the social reform in Western society has been related to Christianity. Leaders of the eighteenth-century evangelical awakening, such as John Wesley, often spoke out against social evils. John Howard, a contemporary of John Wesley, worked tirelessly for prison reform. His work was continued by Elizabeth Gurney Fry. The Great Awakening of early eighteenth-century America, led by the preaching of such men as Jonathan Edwards and George Whitefield, resulted in the founding of several universities. Pressure from evangelicals, led by William Wilberforce, caused Britain to abolish the slave trade in 1807 and outlaw slavery in all her possessions in 1833. American evangelicals were also involved in the abolitionist movement that culminated in the Emancipation Proclamation of 1863. The nineteenth-century British evangelical, Lord Shaftesbury, was instrumental in getting Parliament to pass laws regulating child labor. He was also a champion of better treatment for the insane. Agencies like the YMCA, YWCA, and The Salvation Army were also active in social work during the nineteenth century. William Carey, missionary to India, worked for the abolition of widow burning and child sacrifice. Missionaries to Africa discouraged polygamy, fought the slave trade, and built schools and hospitals.

Nowhere should the social aspect of the new man be more evident than in the home—the single most important social institution in the world. Genuine Christianity consists of both doctrine and holy living. The New Testament reminds us in many places that an intellectual knowledge of our faith must be accompanied by a life that proves faith’s reality. And such a life can only be lived by vital contact with God in Christ. It is difficult to see how Christianity can have any positive effect on society if it cannot transform its own homes.

The two basic principles Paul mentions, authority and submission, are not unique to Christianity. It has always been God’s plan for homes to operate on that basis. Christianity did, however, introduce several new elements to the home. First, Christianity introduced a new presence into the home, the Lord Jesus Christ (cf. 3:18, 20, 23, 24; 4:1). That new presence brings a new power. Christ is there, and His Spirit provides the power to make the family what it ought to be. Second, there is a new purpose: “Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus” (3:17). Finally, Christianity introduced a new pattern for the home: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church” (Eph. 5:25). The new pattern is Christ. He is the model for us to follow.

In this passage Paul provides brief, direct instructions on Christian living in the home. He discusses the three relationships in ancient homes: Husbands and wives (3:18-19), parents and children (3:20-21), and masters and servants (3:22-4:1). He gives a word to wives, a word to husbands, a word to children, a word to parents, a word to servants, and a word to masters.

A WORD TO WIVES

Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. (3:18)

The parallel exhortation in Ephesians expands this simple command: “Wives be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church … But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their own husbands in everything” (Eph. 5:22-24). In spite of its straightforward clarity, Paul’s simple statement has been widely challenged in our day, even by those claiming to be evangelicals. Many argue that Paul’s teaching on this theme is not Spirit-inspired, but reflects his chauvinistic, rabbinic attitude toward women. Such people seek to usurp the role of God and decide for themselves which parts of Scripture are inspired. Still others insist that Paul is mistakenly commenting on Genesis 2 instead of Genesis 1. Genesis 1, they argue, teaches the equality of the sexes, and is divinely inspired. Genesis 2, which implies the headship of the man, is viewed as a later, uninspired rabbinic gloss. That argument, however, rests on the thoroughly discredited documentary hypothesis of the composition of the Pentateuch. Finally, some insist that Paul’s teaching on authority and submission was cultural, and does not apply to our society. None of the critics, however, would argue that Paul’s statement in 3:19 is cultural and that men are no longer required to love their wives. All the attacks on this straightforward principle for behavior deal devastating wounds to the marriage. When a woman submits to the loving leadership of her husband and follows God’s intention for her, she is fulfilled and so is the husband. Efforts to reverse or confuse the duties of wife and husband destroy the blessing each is to be to the other.

The principle of authority and submission in the marriage relationship is found throughout the New Testament. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 11:3, “Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman.” He also penned this principle in 1 Corinthians 14:34-35: “Let the women keep silent in the churches; for they are not permitted to speak, but let them subject themselves, just as the Law also says. And if they desire to learn anything, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is improper for a woman to speak in church.” To Timothy he wrote, “Let a woman quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness. But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet. For it was Adam who was first created, and then Eve. And it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being quite deceived, fell into transgression” (1 Tim. 2:11-14).

Paul goes on to say that the woman is delivered from any stigma of inferiority to the man by the blessed achievement of raising up godly children (v. 15). Note also that Paul traces the woman’s submission back to the order of creation, not the Fall. Titus 2:5 instructs women to “be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be dishonored.” Sarah’s obedience to Abraham is a model for other women to follow (1 Pet. 3:6).

Be subject to is from hupotassō, and means “to subject oneself.” It has the concept of putting oneself under (hupo), not by compulsion, but willingly. The term is used in Luke 2:51 to refer to Jesus’ subjection to His parents, and in Luke 10:17, 20 to describe demons being subject to the disciples. In Romans 8:7, Paul employs the word to speak of being submissive to the commands of God’s law. His use of it in Romans 13:1, 5 refers to the necessary submission of every person to governing authority, which is established by God. In both 1 Corinthians 15:27-28 and Ephesians 1:22, the verb looks to the time when all things in the universe are made subject to Christ and God in eternal glory.

Paul’s word to wives is be submissive to your husbands. They do not submit to some detached, impersonal authority. Rather, they submit to the man with whom they have an intimate, personal, vital relationship. Ephesians 5:22 adds the word “own” (“your own husband”) to demonstrate the uniqueness of this exclusive submission.

It is helpful to note several misconceptions about submission. First, submission does not imply inferiority. Galatians 3:28 clearly affirms that spiritually there is no difference between male and female. Jesus submitted to the Father during His life on earth, yet He was in no way inferior to Him. Second, submission is not absolute. Obedience in this passage is reserved for children and servants. There may be times when a wife must refuse to submit to her husband’s desires (if they violate God’s Word). Finally, the husband’s authority is not to be exercised in an authoritative, overbearing manner. The wife’s submission takes place in the context of a loving relationship.

That wives submit to their husbands is fitting in the Lord. The Greek form in this phrase expresses an obligation, a necessary duty. It is how He designed and commands the family to operate.

A WORD TO HUSBANDS

Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered against them. (3:19)

In Ephesians 5:25, Paul wrote, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church.” Obviously, in spite of the failings of the church, Christ has continually loved her with grace and forgiving mercy and thus has never become bitter because of the church’s many sins. Paul addresses two commands to husbands. First, they must love their wives. The present tense of the imperative agapate (love) indicates continuous action. The verb itself seems best understood in the New Testament to express a willing love, not the love of passion or emotion, but the love of choice—a covenant kind of love. It could be translated, “keep on loving.” The love that existed from the start of the marriage is to continue throughout the marriage; it must not give way to bitterness. The willing, covenant love in view here is the activity of self-sacrifice. It is a deep affection that views the wife as a sister in the Lord and the object of a promise to be kept. The love that Paul commands sees the wife as a weaker vessel to be cared for while at the same time a fellow-heir to grace (cf. 1 Pet. 3:7), a best friend, and life-partner. Such love was expressed by Isaac for Rebekah. “Then Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and he took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her” (Gen. 24:67).

The nature of this love is beautifully expressed in Ephesians 5:22-28:

God designed that a wife’s submission operate within a context of love. In that way she is protected because a man who truly loves his wife would never force her to submit to something humiliating, degrading, or that violates her conscience. The godly husband loves his wife like Christ loves the church.

Husbands also must not be embittered against their wives. The imperative pikrainesthe (embittered) could be translated, “stop being bitter,” or “do not have the habit of being bitter” (A. T. Robertson, Word Pictures in the New Testament [Grand Rapids: Baker, 1931], 4:506). In its only other uses in the New Testament (Rev. 8:11; 10:9, 10) it refers to something bitter in taste. Paul tells husbands not to call their wives “honey,” and then act like vinegar. They must not display harshness of temper or resentment toward their wives. They are not to irritate or exasperate them, but rather to provide loving leadership in the home.

Paul adds another helpful note when, in 1 Corinthians 7:33-34, he calls for a mutual concern in marriage. The husband is to seek to find “how he may please his wife,” and the wife to pursue “how she may please her husband.” Though there is authority and submission by God’s design, there is also spiritual equality and a mutual longing for each partner to please the other. The woman most pleases the man with loving submission, while he pleases her with loving authority.

A WORD TO CHILDREN

Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. (3:20)

The parallel text in Ephesians is almost identical: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” (Eph. 6:1). Paul now turns to the second relationship in the ancient home, that of parents and children. This relationship category cannot be right unless the relationship between husband and wife is right. Tekna (children) is a general term for children and is not limited to a specific age group. It refers to any child still living in the home and under parental guidance. The present tense of the imperative hupakouete (be obedient) demands a continuous obedience.

That children are to honor and obey their parents is taught repeatedly in Scripture. It appears in the Ten Commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you” (Ex. 20:12). Striking or cursing one’s parents was punishable by death in the Old Testament (Ex. 21:15-17; Lev. 20:9), as was continued disobedience (Deut. 21:18-21). Children are to listen to their parents’ instruction and obey it (Prov. 1:8; 6:20). The consequences of disrespect for parents are graphically portrayed in Proverbs 30:17: “The eye that mocks a father, and scorns a mother, the ravens of the valley will pick it out, and the young eagles will eat it” (cf. Matt. 15:4-5; Mark 7:10-13).

Disobedience to parents marks the ungodly: “Men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy” (2 Tim. 3:2; cf. Rom. 1:30).

Children are to obey their parents in all things. The only limit placed on a child’s obedience is when a parent demands something contrary to God’s law. Jesus knew that some children would have to defy their parents to come to faith in Him. In Luke 12:51-53 our Lord says, “Do you suppose that I came to grant peace on earth? I tell you, no, but rather division; for from now on five members in one household will be divided, three against two, and two against three. They will be divided, father against son, and son against father; mother against daughter, and daughter against mother; mother-in-law against daughter-in-law, and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.” Later in Luke 14:26 He says, “If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.” Salvation can bring a breech in the family so that children may have to reject their parents’ commands if they are contrary to Scripture.

The motive for obedience is that it is well-pleasing to the Lord, commendable before God Himself. As He was well-pleased with His own Son (Matt. 3:17), so He deserves to be with other children. Many young people struggle with knowing God’s will for their lives. Obeying their parents is the right place to start.

A WORD TO PARENTS

Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart. (3:21)

This verse also intersects with the apostle’s teaching in Ephesians 6:4: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” The duty in this relationship is not one-sided. Parents also have obligations to their children. Pateres (fathers) should be translated, “parents,” as it is in Hebrews 11:23. Paul’s word to parents is do not exasperate your children. Exasperate is from erethizō and means to stir up, provoke, irritate, or exasperate. Another way to phrase Paul’s command is, “stop nagging your kids.” Failure to obey this can cause children to lose heart. The idea of that term is “to be without courage, or spirit.” It has the sense of being listless, sullen, discouraged, or despairing. Parents can take the heart out of their children by failing to discipline them lovingly and instruct them in the ways of the Lord with balance.

There are several ways parents can cause their children to lose heart.

First, parents can exasperate their children by overprotection. Overprotective parents never allow their children any liberty. They have strict rules about everything. No matter what their children do, overprotective parents do not trust them. Because nothing they do earns their parents’ trust, children begin to despair and may believe that how they behave is irrelevant. That can lead to rebellion. Parents are to provide rules and guidelines for their children, but those rules should not become a noose that strangles them. Above all, parents must communicate to their children that they trust them.

Second, parents exasperate their children by showing favoritism. That is often done unwittingly by comparing a child unfavorably to siblings or classmates. By making a child feel like the black sheep of the family, parents can create a terrible sense of frustration.

Third, parents exasperate their children by depreciating their worth. Many children have been convinced that what they do and feel are not important. That is communicating to children that they are not significant. Many parents depreciate their children’s worth by refusing to listen to them. Children who are not listened to may give up trying to communicate and become discouraged, shy, and withdrawn.

Fourth, parents exasperate their children by setting unrealistic goals. Parents can do that by never rewarding them, or never letting them feel they have succeeded. Nothing is enough, so the children never get full approval. Such parents are often trying to make their children into something they themselves were not. The results can be tragic. Some children become so frustrated that they commit suicide.

Fifth, parents exasperate their children by failing to show affection. Parents need to communicate love to their children both verbally and physically. Failing to do so will discourage and alienate a child.

Sixth, some parents exasperate their children by not providing for their needs. Children need things like privacy, a place to play, clean clothes, a place to study, their own possessions, and good meals. By providing those necessities, parents show their respect and concern for their children.

Seventh, parents exasperate their children by a lack of standards. This is the flip side of overprotection. When parents fail to discipline, or discipline inconsistently, children are left on their own. They cannot handle that kind of freedom and begin to feel insecure and unloved.

Eighth, parents exasperate their children by criticism. Haim Ginott wrote, “A child learns what he lives. If he lives with criticism he does not learn responsibility. He learns to condemn himself and to find fault with others. He learns to doubt his own judgment, to disparage his own ability, and to distrust the intentions of others. And above all, he learns to live with continual expectation of impending doom” (Between Parent and Child [New York: Macmillan, 1965], p. 72). Parents should seek to create in the home a positive, constructive environment.

Ninth, parents exasperate their children by neglect. The classic biblical example is Absalom. David was indifferent to him, and the result was rebellion, civil war, and Absalom’s death. Parents need to be involved in their children’s lives.

Finally, parents exasperate their children by excessive discipline. This is the parent who abuses his children, either verbally, emotionally, or physically. Parents often say things to their children that they would never say to anyone else. They should never discipline their children in anger. Rather, parents should lovingly correct their children, just as their heavenly Father does them.

The influence parents have in the lives of their children has been summed up in a perspective by Dorothy Law Nolte entitled “Children Learn What They Live”:

Not exasperating their children is essential if parents are to “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4).

A WORD TO SERVENTS

Slaves, in all things obey those who are your masters on earth, not with external service, as those who merely please men, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men; knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve. For he who does wrong will receive the consequences of the wrong which he has done, and that without partiality. (3:22-25)

The final relationship in an ancient home was that of masters and slaves. Again Paul, in Ephesians 6:5-9, parallels this text. In our day, that relationship can largely be compared to that of employer and employee. It should be noted that although the Word of God never advocates slavery, it does recognize it as an element of society that could be beneficial if both slaves and masters treated each other as they should. Far from seeking to abolish slavery, the Lord and the apostles use it as a motif for spiritual instruction, by likening the believer, one who belongs to Christ and serves Him, to a slave. So New Testament literature accepts slavery as a social reality and seeks to instruct those in that system to behave in a godly manner. Certainly in the letter to Philemon (delivered at the same time as Colossians), Paul upholds the duties of slave and master. He was sending the runaway slave Onesimus back to his master, Philemon. Paul asked Philemon to treat his returned slave with kindness and forgiveness—restoring the relationship to its divine design.

Rather than commanding slaves to rebel and overthrow slavery, Paul says, In all things obey those who are your masters on earth. It really is irrelevant what the social form may be, slavery or freedom—if the relationship is godly. As in the relationships between husbands and wives and parents and children, the principle of authority and submission is central to Paul’s thought. In all things is a comprehensive phrase referring to both enjoyable and distasteful duties. The obedience required of slaves is not external service, doing a duty with a reluctant attitude, as those who merely please men. Rather, Christian servants are to please the Lord by working with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Holding God and His will in high regard is the right motive. They are to work heartily (putting their whole inner man into the effort), as for the Lord rather than for men, serving their master as they would the Lord Himself.

Paul stresses to Timothy that such obedience and honor given by slaves to their masters keeps “the name of God and our doctrine” from being evil-spoken of (1 Tim. 6:1).

Paul gives two reasons for slaves (or employees) to obey their masters. Positively, the Lord will repay them for their faithfulness. They can endure inequity now, knowing that from the Lord they will receive the reward of the inheritance. The earthly master or boss may not give the servant what he deserves, but the Lord will. He is the One who will assure the eternal compensation is what it should be (cf. Rev. 20:12-13). Christian slaves are also heirs of eternal reward. As an employee on the job, or a servant in the home, it is the Lord Christ whom believers serve. He will pay them back with grace and generosity.

Paul then gives a negative reason for obedience. The one who does wrong will receive the consequences of the wrong which he has done, and that without partiality. The warning is that the Lord will discipline without partiality in cases of disobedience (cf. Gal. 6:7). Paul acknowledged that the Christian slave Onesimus was responsible to repay Philemon (Philem. 18). The Christian servant is not to presume on his Christianity to justify disobedience. Even if we are God’s children, we will reap what we sow, because God is impartial (cf. Acts 10:34).

A WORD TO MASTERS

Masters, grant to your slaves justice and fairness, knowing that you too have a Master in heaven. (4:1)

On the other side of the relationship, masters are to treat their slaves with the justice and fairness they expect to receive from their Master in heaven. God will judge masters who mistreat their slaves, as He will slaves who fail to serve their masters. As noted in the discussion of 3:11, slaves and masters are spiritually equal in Christ. Masters must accordingly treat their Christian servants as brothers in Christ, enacting toward them all the virtues required for holy fellowship. They should treat their employees like they desire the Lord Jesus to treat them.

If all Christians displayed the characteristics of relationships as embodied in the principles of this text, the results would be dramatic. Believers would indeed become lights shining in the darkness.