The Responsibilities of  Children and Parents (6:1-4)

24

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth. And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (6:1-4)

The experiment is often recounted of placing a frog in a pan of cool water on a stove and of slowly increasing the heat. Because the rise in temperature is so gradual, it is imperceptible to the frog, and he remains in the pan even when the water begins to boil. He adjusts to the heat as it rises and eventually boils to death. That process illustrates what has happened to the American family, including many Christian families. The changed values in society have been so gradual that most people have hardly noticed them. Each small change in standards and values seems insignificant in itself. And because adjustments are gradually made to those lowered standards, the danger is not noticed even when the family and society start to disintegrate and crumble. Moral and spiritual standards have gradually eroded until countless families have been literally destroyed.

When the divorce rate among Christians is almost as high as that in the rest of society, it is clear that many believers should have jumped out of the pan long ago. It is high time we leave the evil system that is engulfing and destroying us and reestablish ourselves in God’s revealed standards of fidelity and moral purity. We have long lost the luxury of living in a society that gives some nominal support to the church and to Christian values.

Christian seminars, books, and articles on marriage and the family continue to proliferate, and volumes of schemes and principles are proposed for strengthening them. Child psychology books are written almost ad infinitum. Yet God’s Word gives the basis for right parent-child relationships in just four verses. When the other teachings of Scripture supportive of those verses are studied and applied, every parent and every child has all the foundational information necessary for godly and harmonious family living.

When God called the Hebrews to be His chosen people, He destined them to be the people through whom “all the families of the earth shall be blessed” (Gen. 12:3). At Sinai He commissioned them to be “a kingdom of priests and a holy nation” (Ex. 19:6). Israel was to be a witnessing nation, a witnessing people, for God. They were not called to be simply a repository of God’s truth and blessing but to be a channel for His truth and blessing to be shared with the whole world.

The heart of God’s truth is about God Himself. The central truth of Old Testament revelation is: “The Lord is our God, the Lord is one!” (Deut. 6:4). The corollary truth is about man’s response to God: “And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart” (vv. 5-6). That message Israel was to take for herself and then pass on to the world.

The first step in promulgating God’s truth was to pass it on to their children. “And you shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up” (v. 7). Parents were to continually speak about the things of God, so that knowledge and love of Him would become a matter of life and breath for the family. When the parents were not speaking the testimony would continue. “And you shall bind them as sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead” (v. 8). Even when the parents were gone, the testimony remained, because it was to be written “on the doorposts of your house and on your gates” (v. 9). In other words, there was always to be both verbal and visible commitment to the Word of God in the home. It is God’s plan for His Word to be passed on from one generation to the next. And His primary agent is the family.

But from the time of the Fall the family has been plagued with problems of every sort that weaken, undermine, and threaten to destroy it. The first cause of those problems—as of every human problem—is the sinful nature with which every person is born. The curse of the Fall is built into the family. It is the curse that causes men to be chauvinistic, women to usurp the place of men, children to be disobedient to their parents, and parents to be abusive to their children. Only where Christ is in control as Savior and Lord can a family live up to the standards and fulfill the ministry that God commands.

The Minnesota Crime Commission, demonstrating the truthfulness of the biblical view, issued a report which said, in part:

The second cause of family problems is the satanic world system in which we live. Because God’s plan is to build, strengthen, and protect the family, Satan’s plan is to undermine, weaken, and destroy it. By every means possible he designs to push the family into the mold of his world system of values, so that it cannot function as God intends.

The world’s mold should not be a perfect fit for the Christian. It should not fit at all. God commanded Moses to tell Israel, “You shall not do what is done in the land of Egypt where you lived, nor are you to do what is done is the land of Canaan where I am bringing you; you shall not walk in their statutes. You are to perform My judgments and keep My statutes, to live in accord with them; I am the Lord your God” (Lev. 18:3-4). “Do not defile yourselves by any of these things,” he says later, referring specifically to various immoral sex practices. “For by all these the nations which I am casting out before you have become defiled” (v. 24). From the beginning it was God’s intention for His people to be different and distinct, to be separated from the ways of the world.

A third major factor in the destruction of the home is the perverse influence of humanistic philosophy. At almost any secular college today one can hear so-called futuristic ideas being promoted by faculty members, visiting speakers, and campus organizations. One popular speaker says that he looks for a world where there will be no schools, no families, and no parent-child relationships. He says, “To free the child, we must do away with parenthood and marriage, we must settle for nothing less than the total elimination of the family.”

At the first international seminar in preparation for the International Year of the Child (IYC) in 1977, the chairwoman of the Czechoslovak Women’s Union said, “Long before the representatives of all the peoples of the world and the U. N. decided to adopt the declaration of the rights of the child and its ten principles, the socialist countries had gained vast experience in applying the ideas contained in the declaration in everyday life.” One of the major goals of Marxist socialism is to liberate children from the home and make them wards of the state. A child out of the home will not be taught any moral, religious, social, patriotic, or political standards or attitudes that are contrary to what the state wants.

A letter I received from a man in my church who had emigrated with his family from Czechoslovakia includes these words:

Among the things from which humanistic groups believe children must be liberated are: traditional morals and values, parental authority, physical punishment, religion, nationalism, patriotism, and capitalism. Among the things they believe children should be allowed to do and have are complete sexual freedom, including the right to homosexual “marriage,” abortions, and free information and devices for contraception. Serious proposals have been made for children’s rights to do such things as sue their parents for being forced to attend church, be paid minimum wage for doing household chores, and be allowed to choose their own family.

From the beginning of Scripture it is plain that children are a blessing from God. When Cain was born Eve exulted, “I have gotten a manchild with the help of the Lord” (Gen. 4:1), and when Seth was born she said, “God has appointed me another offspring in place of Abel” (v. 25). When God blessed Leah with sons because she was unloved by Jacob, she recognized His gracious hand in the births and said of Reuben, “Because the Lord has seen my affliction” and of Simeon, “Because the Lord has heard that I am unloved, He has therefore given me this son also” (Gen. 29:32-33). Throughout both Testaments children are shown to be the Lord’s gifts—blessings to be cherished, loved, and cared for with gratitude and faithfulness. “Behold, children are a gift of the Lord; the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them” (Ps. 127:3-5). The qualification for true blessing in parenthood is that of raising children to love the Lord and to follow His ways. It is the righteous, godly child who brings blessing and happiness to his parents. “The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice, and he who begets a wise son will be glad in him” (Prov. 23:24). Women make their most unique contribution to the church, as well as find their own highest fulfillment, in childrearing and in their involvement and activity in the home, which precludes their seeking the male role in the church (see 1 Tim. 2:15).

Parents who do not fully and tirelessly commit themselves to the godly teaching and training of their children are likely to wake up one day to find their sons and daughters inextricably enmeshed in the ungodly and immoral philosophies and practices of the world. Despite what the world may say, children are to obey and honor their parents. They are not to be liberated from their parents and enabled to choose whatever they want to do and the way they want to do it.

In God’s Word, parents have every truth and every guideline necessary for raising their children in righteousness and godliness. And what a child needs to know about how he should relate and respond to his parents is there also. The Bible was completed two thousand years ago, but men have not changed since then and neither has God. What Scripture has to say is timeless and up-to-date. No human discovery, philosophy, or attitude is new or surprising to God or outside the scope and judgment of His revealed Word.

Ephesians 6:1-4 continues Paul’s teaching on the mutual submission of believers (5:21) by moving to the family. Verses 1-3 focus on the submission of children and verse 4 focuses on the submission of parents.

THE SUBMISSION OF CHILDREN

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth. (6:1-3)

Tekna (children) does not refer particularly to young children but to all offspring. Sons and daughters still under their parents’ roof are to obey and honor them. Obey has to do with action, and honor has to do with attitude. Although, as Paul has just mentioned, men and women are no longer under the authority of their parents once they themselves marry (5:31), special respect and concern for their parents should continue as long as they live. The child who is brought up to obey and honor his parents will always be sensitive to their wisdom, counsel, and welfare.

Hupakouo (obey) literally means “to hear under,” that is, to listen with attentiveness and to respond positively to what is heard. Children are to put themselves under the words and authority of their parents.

In the Lord refers to the sphere of pleasing the Lord, to obeying parents for the Lord’s sake. Children obey their parents as reflective of their obedience to the Lord. The context makes it clear that in the Lord applies to honor as well as to obey. Parents are to be obeyed and honored because to do so is to obey and honor the Lord.

Parents stand in the gap, so to speak, between children and God while the children are too young to have a full and mature relationship with Him themselves. Parents are God’s stewards, His proxy authority, for their children, who are simply loaned to them in trust by their own heavenly Father. That is why children are commanded, “Be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord” (Col. 3:20). The only exception to that obedience is in the matter of doing what is wrong. Every believer should refuse to do anything that is clearly against God’s will as taught in Scripture. He should say with Peter and John, “Whether it is right in the sight of God to give heed to you rather than to God, you be the judge; for we cannot stop speaking what we have seen and heard” (Acts 4:19-20). Otherwise, however, a child is to obey his or her parents “in all things.”

The basic reason for children to obey and honor their parents is simply that it is right. The Tightness is not based on psychological case studies or other human evidence or theory, but on God’s standard of right. God’s declaration makes it right.

Dikaios (right) refers to that which is correct, just, righteous—to that which is exactly as it should be. For children to obey and honor their parents is dikaios, exactly as it should be, because everything God commands is dikaios. Ezra declared of God, “Then Thou didst come down on Mount Sinai, and didst speak with them from heaven; Thou didst give to them just [or right] ordinances and true laws, good statutes and commandments” (Neh. 9:13). “The precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart,” David said; “the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes” (Ps. 19:8). Another psalmist wrote, “I know, O Lord, that Thy judgments are righteous,” and “I esteem right all Thy precepts” (119:75, 128). Hosea closed his message with these beautiful words: “Whoever is wise, let him understand these things; whoever is discerning, let him know them. For the ways of the Lord are right, and the righteous will walk in them, but transgressors will stumble in them” (Hos. 14:9).

The right attitude behind the right act of obedience is honor (timao), which means to value highly, to hold in the highest regard and respect. In both its verb and noun forms the word is often used as a term of reverence, preciousness, and honor regarding God the Father and Christ (1 Tim. 1:17; 1 Pet. 2:17; Rev. 4:9, 11; 5:12-13; etc.). It is also used by the Father in reference to the Son (Heb. 2:9; 2 Pet. 1:17).

Children are to honor both their father and mother, to hold them in the highest possible respect. When God first introduced His written law in the form of the Ten Commandments, the first law relating to human relationships was, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you” (Ex. 20:12)—and that is the law Paul reiterates in this text. It is the only commandment of the ten that relates to the family, because that one principle alone, when obeyed, is enough to secure the right relationship of children to their parents. Not only that, but it is the key principle behind all right human relationships in society. A person who grows up with a sense of respect for and obedience to his parents will have the foundation for respecting the authority of other leaders and the rights of other people in general.

Respect for parents is of such grave importance to God that Moses commanded, “He who strikes his father or his mother shall surely be put to death,” and “He who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death” (Ex. 21:15, 17; cf. Lev. 20:9). Either to physically or verbally abuse a parent was a capital offense in ancient Israel.

In the United States at least eight million serious assaults are made each year by children on their parents. In recent years, a number of children have been convicted of murdering or hiring the killing of their parents—usually for no greater reason than resentment of parental control or discipline. Children who are incessantly told they can do whatever they wish and can have their own way are children who will soon mock their parents, teachers, moral standards, the law, and society in general. All human relationships obviously grow out of those of children with parents. Children who respect and obey their parents will build a society that is ordered, harmonious, and productive. A generation of undisciplined, disobedient children will produce a society that is chaotic and destructive.

Honor of parents encompasses providing for them when they can no longer provide for themselves. Just as parents spend twenty or so years taking care of and providing for their children, their children are to spend whatever time and money is necessary to care and provide for their parents should the parents be no longer able to do so for themselves.

When some Pharisees and scribes reprimanded Jesus for allowing His disciples to eat without first ceremonially washing their hands, He countered: “And why do you yourselves transgress the commandment of God for the sake of your tradition? For God said, ‘Honor your father and mother,’ and ‘He who speaks evil of father or mother, let him be put to death.’ But you say, ‘Whoever shall say to his father or mother, “Anything of mine you might have been helped by has been given to God,” he is not to honor his father or his mother.’ And thus you invalidated the word of God for the sake of your tradition” (Matt. 15:3-6). Jesus made it clear that honor of parents includes financial support of them when needed.

Obviously simply providing financial support for one’s parents in their old age falls far short of honor if it is not done with loving personal involvement. Money can be an expression of love but never a substitute for love. A child can no more honor his parents by simply paying their bills than his parents could have responsibly raised him by only paying for his food, clothes, education, and other needs apart from loving care and personal involvement.

Children have to be trained to obey and honor their parents by their parents. The book of Proverbs is full of truths to guide parents in this training of their children and to guide children in obeying their parents. The proverbs are essentially a series of lessons for parents to teach their children, and its theme is: “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and do not forsake your mother’s teaching” (1:8). Parents are not infallible, but they are the child’s primary God-given authority and source of training. “My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments” (3:1), the writer of Proverbs says. “Hear, O sons, the instruction of a father, and give attention that you may gain understanding, for I give you sound teaching; do not abandon my instruction. When I was a son to my father, tender and the only son in the sight of my mother, then he taught me and said to me, ‘Let your heart hold fast my words; keep my commandments and live’” (4:1-4). The father taught his son what his father had taught him. God plans for believers to pass on His instruction from one generation to the next.

An old Chinese proverb says, “One generation plants the trees and the next gets the shade.” The opportunities and freedoms we have to live and practice our faith were won by our forefathers centuries ago and passed on to us by those in between. Children raised in Christian families are blessed with the fruit from spiritual trees planted many years earlier by parents and grandparents. Conversely, it takes three or four generations to reverse the effects of one wicked group of fathers (cf. Ex. 20:5; 34:7; Num. 14:18; Deut. 5:9). The blessings we have from the preaching, teaching, and fellowship of our local church are fruit of the dedication and sacrifice of believers who have gone before us.

A child can have no greater inheritance than the godly teaching and example of his parents. “My son, keep my words, and treasure my commandments within you. Keep my commandments and live, and my teaching as the apple of your eye. Bind them on your fingers; write them on the tablet of your heart” (Prov. 7:1-3). The “apple of the eye” refers to the very front of the eye, the pupil. Because it is extremely sensitive, exposed to irritation, and is critical to vision, it is instinctively protected. An obedient child should cherish and protect the godly teaching of his parents more carefully than he protects his eyes.

Just as an obedient child brings happiness and tranquility to a family, a disobedient child brings the opposite. He brings “grief to his mother” (Prov. 10:1), unhappiness and destruction to his father (17:21; 19:13), and disgrace to them both (19:26). He uses them shamelessly to his own selfish ends (28:24).

The world today has much to say about children’s so-called rights. But the emphasis should be on their responsibilities. Emphasis on rights—whether by children or adults—weakens and destroys relationships on every level. It is the sense of responsibility that builds right relationships as well as right character.

Although He was perfectly divine and free from sin, as a child even Jesus had to grow in the ways every child grows. Luke tells us that as a child Jesus was in perfect subjection to His parents. And as He grew to manhood, He “kept increasing in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men” (Luke 2:51-52). He grew intellectually, physically, spiritually, and socially.

Those are the ways in which every child must grow. He must grow intellectually. When a baby comes into the world, his mind is a blank. Childhood is a time of learning. Whatever children know they must be taught. They come into the world with no intellectual knowledge or judgment. They are inclined to choose junk food over what is nourishing, to play where it is dangerous rather than safe. They do not know the names of things or what they are used for. They do not know how to speak. Parents are therefore responsible for teaching their children what they need to know.

Every child must grow physically. When he is born he is extremely weak and physically undeveloped. He can do nothing for himself. He must be fed, changed, covered, protected from too much cold or heat, and so on. Gradually he is taught to do those things for himself, but in the meanwhile his parents must provide for him.

Like Jesus, every child must grow socially, in “favor with… men.” A child’s most dominant attitude is selfishness. His interests are totally self-centered. His own wants and needs are all he knows and all he cares about. That, of course, does not always remain a childhood trait. He must be taught to share, taught to be considerate of others, taught not to put his own interests above those of everyone else, and taught not to become disappointed or angry when he cannot have his own way.

And every child must grow spiritually, “in favor with God.” Children do not know God naturally, much less love and obey Him naturally. A child must be taught about God, His nature, His care, His love, and His will. And when he is old enough, he must be taught His need to trust in Jesus Christ as His own Savior and Lord.

Paul said, “When I was a child, I used to speak as a child, think as a child, reason as a child” (1 Cor. 13:11). Children have deficiencies in every area of their lives, and it is the parents’ responsibility to meet those needs for growth—including the need to develop in the truths of the Lord.

The command honor your father and mother is two-fold. That it may be well with you relates to the quality of life, and that you may live long on the earth relates to the quantity of life promised. The original promise was to Israel and involved many tangible, physical, earthly blessings. But Paul’s reference to it here shows that it also extends to believers today. Though its blessings may not always be tangible, a family where children and parents live in mutual love and submission will have rich, God-given harmony and satisfaction that other families can never know. As for the promise of living long on the earth, the believer who honors his parents can know that his lifetime will be the full measure God intends, rather than cut short like those of Ananias and Sapphira (Acts 5:5-10) and certain members of the church at Corinth (1 Cor. 11:30).

If parents, who are much older and more experienced, cannot fulfill their responsibilities without being saved and being filled with the Holy Spirit, how much less can children be expected to fulfill their responsibilities without those spiritual requirements? The children Paul addresses in Ephesians 6:1 are just as much commanded to “be filled with the Spirit” (5:18) and to “be subject to one another in the fear of Christ” (5:21) as are the husbands and wives of 5:22-33 and the parents of 6:4.

Samuel’s close relationship to the Lord started when he was very young, and King Josiah instigated spiritual revival in Judah when he was still a teenager. David was a boy when the Lord first started using him, and Queen Esther was a young woman when the Lord used her to save her people from annihilation. John the Baptist was filled with the Spirit from his mother’s womb (Luke 1:15).

THE SUBMISSION OF PARENTS

And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (6:4)

THE NEGATIVE COMMAND

Paul’s first command to parents is negative: fathers, do not provoke your children to anger. That was a totally new concept for Paul’s day, especially in such pagan strongholds as Ephesus. Most families were in shambles, and mutual love among family members was almost unheard of. A father’s love for his children would have been hard even to imagine. By the Roman law of patria potestas a father had virtual life and death power not only over his slaves but over his entire household. He could cast any of them out of the house, sell them as slaves, or even kill them—and be accountable to no one. A newborn child was placed at its father’s feet to determine its fate. If the father picked it up, the child was allowed to stay in the home; if the father walked away, it was simply disposed of—much as aborted babies are in our own day. Discarded infants who were healthy and vigorous were collected and taken each night to the town forum, where they would be picked up and raised to be slaves or prostitutes.

A letter written in 1 B.C. by a man named Hilarion to his wife, Alis, reads, “Heartiest greetings. Note that we are still even now in Alexandria. Do not worry if when all others return I remain in Alexandria. I beg and beseech you to take care of the little child, and as soon as we receive wages I will send them to you. If—good luck to you—you have another child, if it is a boy, let it live; if it is a girl, expose it” (Papyri Oxyrhynchus 4.744). Seneca, a renowned statesman in Rome at the time Paul wrote the Ephesian letter, said, “We slaughter a fierce ox; we strangle a mad dog; we plunge a knife into a sick cow. Children born weak or deformed we drown.”

Such callousness is chilling. Yet, according to a recent report, the primary cause for children being in foster homes today is not the divorce, financial destitution, or death of their parents, but simply the disinterest of their parents. And perhaps the most devastating abuse a child can experience is that of being neglected, treated almost as if he did not exist.

Though patēres (fathers) usually referred to male parents, it was sometimes used of parents in general. Paul has been speaking about both parents in the preceding three verses, and it seems likely that he still has both in mind in this term in verse 4. The same word is used in Hebrews 11:23 to refer to Moses’ parents.

Because a father was by far the dominant figure in the households of that day, he was the parent who would most often provoke his children to anger. But a mother is obviously capable of doing the same thing, and she is no more justified in doing it than is a father.

Harvard University sociologists Sheldon and Eleanor Glueck developed a test (that proved to be 90 percent accurate) to determine whether or not five- and six-year-olds would become delinquent. They discovered that the four primary factors necessary to prevent delinquency are: the father’s firm, fair, and consistent discipline; the mother’s supervision and companionship during the day; the parent’s demonstrated affection for each other and for the children; and the family’s spending time together in activities where all participated (Unraveling Juvenile Delinquency [Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard Univ. Press, 1950], pp. 257-71).

The Christian psychiatrist Dr. Paul Meier gives a similar list of factors that produce right parent-child relations: genuine love of the parents for each other and for the children; firm, consistent discipline; consistency of standards for parents and children; the right example by parents; and the father as true head of the home.

He also comments that the vast majority of neurotics have grown up in homes where there was no father or where he was dominated by the mother (Christian Child-Rearing and Personality Development [Grand Rapids: Baker, 1980], pp. 81-82).

To provoke … to anger suggests a repeated, ongoing pattern of treatment that gradually builds up a deep-seated anger and resentment that boils over in outward hostility.

Such treatment is usually not intended to provoke … anger. Often it is thought to be for the child’s good. Well-meaning overprotection is a common cause of resentment in children. Parents who smother their children, overly restrict where they can go and what they can do, never trust them to do things on their own, and continually question their judgment build a barrier between themselves and their children—usually under the delusion that they are building a closer relationship. Children need careful guidance and certain restrictions, but they are individual human beings in their own right and must learn to make decisions on their own, commensurate with their age and maturity. Their wills can be guided but they cannot be controlled.

Another common cause of provoking children to anger is favoritism. Isaac favored Esau over Jacob and Rebekah preferred Jacob over Esau. That dual and conflicting favoritism not only caused great trouble for the immediate family but has continued to have repercussions in the conflicts between the descendants of Jacob and Esau until our present day!

For parents to compare their children with each other, especially in the children’s presence, can be devastating to the child who is less talented or favored. He will tend to become discouraged, resentful, withdrawn, and bitter. Favoritism by parents generally leads to favoritism among the children themselves, who pick up the practice from their parents. They will favor one brother or sister over the others and will often favor one parent over the other.

A third way parents provoke their children is by pushing achievement beyond reasonable bounds. A child can be so pressured to achieve that he is virtually destroyed. He quickly learns that nothing he does is sufficient to please his parents. No sooner does he accomplish one goal than he is challenged to accomplish something better. Fathers who fantasize their own achievements through the athletic skills of their sons, or mothers who fantasize a glamorous career through the lives of their daughters prostitute their responsibility as parents.

I once visited a young woman who was confined to a padded cell and was in a state of catatonic shock. She was a Christian and had been raised in a Christian family, but her mother had ceaselessly pushed her to be the most popular, beautiful, and successful girl in school. She became head cheerleader, homecoming queen, and later a model. But the pressure to excel became too great and she had a complete mental collapse. After she was eventually released from the hospital, she went back into the same artificial and demanding environment. When again she found she could not cope, she committed suicide. She had summed up her frustration when she told me one day, “I don’t care what it is I do, it never satisfies my mother.”

A fourth way children are provoked is by discouragement. A child who is never complimented or encouraged by his parents is destined for trouble. If he is always told what is wrong with him and never what is right, he will soon lose hope and become convinced that he is incapable of doing anything right. At that point he has no reason even to try. Parents can always find something that a child genuinely does well, and they should show appreciation for it. A child needs approval and encouragement in things that are good every bit as much as he needs correction in things that are not.

A fifth way provocation occurs is by parents’ failing to sacrifice for their children and making them feel unwanted. Children who are made to feel that they are an intrusion, that they are always in the way and interfere with the plans and happiness of the parents, cannot help becoming resentful. To such children the parents themselves will eventually become unwanted and an intrusion on the children’s plans and happiness.

A sixth form of provocation comes from failing to let children grow up at a normal pace. Chiding them for always acting childish, even when what they do is perfectly normal and harmless, does not contribute to their maturity but rather helps confirm them in their childishness.

A seventh way of angering children is that of using love as a tool of reward or punishment—granting it when a child is good and withdrawing it when he is bad. Often the practice is unconscious, but a child can sense if a parent cares for him less when is he disobedient than when he behaves. That is not how God loves and is not the way he intends human parents to love. God disciplines His children just as much out of love as He blesses them. “Those whom the Lord loves He disciplines” (Heb. 12:6). Because it is so easy to punish out of anger and resentment, parents should take special care to let their children know they love them when discipline is given.

An eighth way to provoke children is by physical and verbal abuse. Battered children are a growing tragedy today. Even Christian parents—fathers especially—sometimes overreact and spank their children much harder than necessary. Proper physical discipline is not a matter of exerting superior authority and strength, but of correcting in love and reasonableness. Children are also abused verbally. A parent can as easily overpower a child with words as with physical force. Putting him down with superior arguments or sarcasm can inflict serious harm, and provokes him to anger and resentment. It is amazing that we sometimes say things to our children that we would not think of saying to anyone else—for fear of ruining our reputation!

One Christian father confesses,

THE POSITIVE COMMAND

The positive command to parents is for them to bring up [their children] in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Paideia (discipline) comes from the word pais (child) and refers to the systematic training of children. It includes the idea of correction for wrongdoing, as seen in the well-known proverb, “He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently” (Prov. 13:24). In the several uses of the term in Hebrews 12:5-11, the translators of the Authorized Version rendered it “chastening,” which is clearly the emphasis of that context. Paul’s meaning here is expressed even more fully, however, in the proverb “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it” (22:6). Discipline has to do with the overall training of children, including punishment.

Susannah Wesley, the mother of John and Charles Wesley, raised seventeen children and had these words to say about raising children: “The parent who studies to subdue [self-will] in his child works together with God in the renewing and saving a soul. The parent who indulges it does the devil’s work, makes religion impracticable, salvation unattainable, and does all that in him lies to damn his child, soul and body forever” (cited in The Journal of John Wesley [Chicago: Moody, n. d.], p. 106).

Nouthesia (instruction) is literally a “putting in mind” and also includes the connotation of correction. It refers to the type of instruction found in the book of Proverbs, where the primary focus is on the training and teaching of children. It does not have as much to do with factual information as with right attitudes and principles of behavior.

The key to right discipline and instruction of children is its being of the Lord. Everything parents do for their children is to be of Him—according to the teaching of His Word, by the guidance and power of His Holy Spirit, in the name of His Son, Jesus Christ, and to His own glory and honor.